TP and The Charmin Bears Wipeout”

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster …

My calendar revealed that the last Monday of August was “Toilet Paper Day”.

It prompted me to see what I could find out regarding toilet paper.

First of all, 70% of the world’s population does not use toilet paper.

Remember that the next time you travel internationally and someone offers to shake your hand.

The first recorded use of toilet paper goes back to 6th century China.

in 1857, Joseph Gayetty came up with “Medicated Paper for the Water Closet”.

It was aloe-infused manila hemp sheets sold in packages of 500 for 50 cents.

They were originally intended for use by hemorrhoid sufferers but never really caught on.

in 1890, the Scott Paper Company came up with toilet paper rolls.

They were sold to private dealers under about 2,000 different brand names to avoid “tarnishing” the family reputation.

I discovered that it wasn’t until 1935 that ‘splinter-free” toilet paper could be found.

But consider what we used to “finish the job” before today’s toilet paper was available.

Hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, leaves, sand, seashells, moss, hemp, wool, husks, fruit peels and sponges were employed.

Some of you might recall an old Sears catalog in the outhouse which was used for more than reading.

Even today, the Old Farmer’s Almanac comes with a hole in the top left corner to hang on the outhouse door.

I’m sure old monthly forecasts and articles were sometimes called into service as the year wore on.

My younger daughter can tell you a story about “Papa and baby bear” during a Pelee Island campout years ago.

But the Charmin Bears have been peddling toilet paper for the company since 1999.

I didn’t know this, but they have names.

“Molly” is the momma bear, “Leonard” is the papa bear and there’s the oldest son “Bill”, with “Molly” the middle child and only daughter and “Leonard is the youngest.

I also learned that the “red” Charmin bears are used when promoting Charmin Ultra Strong tissue while “blue” is the color bears you see when the push is for Charmin Ultra Soft tissue.

But my sources say in Canada, the Charmin bears are tan.

I have to tell you that I find the Charmin bears quite annoying.

All that dancing around, waiting to use the bathroom while one of the bears deals with a toilet crisis is not my idea of an advertising campaign.

But it obviously works.

Some say the idea for the Charmin bears came from that old slang question, “Does a bear ‘S%#*’ in the woods?”

Do you remember the “TP craze”.

It seems to have started in the 1950’s as a joke, prank or an act of revenge, many times connected to high school events such as homecoming or graduation or around Halloween and April Fool’s day.

That’s when the cheaper, “industrial-grade” toilet paper rolls gets tossed into trees and such.

Many times, getting “T-P’d” was a social badge of honor in high school.

Did you know in some communities, if you’re charged with “T-P-ing” someone, you can get 30 days in the slammer, get fined $1,000 and face probation?

By the way, can you “T-P” a teepee?

I’m asking for a friend who wanted to know.

By the way, 7% of us admit to stealing toilet paper from hotels and motels.

Now some more toilet paper facts.

The average roll has 333 sheets and lasts for 5 days.

The typical American employees up to 9 sheets for each “job” which means we each use about 100 rolls per year.

It takes about 385 trees to make the toilet paper you will use in your lifetime.

We spend on average about 3 years of our lives on the toilet bit I imagine that goes up when we get some cellphone usage factored in

Did you know there’s an in-office copy machine that turns used copier paper into toilet paper?

Can’t be any worse than those mega-rolls in community restrooms that I swear are made with recycled wax paper.

Speaking of wiping, let’s go back to 1962, before the great English music invasion of America when 4 guys in Glendora, California released a double-sided 45 hit called “Wipeout” and “Surfer Joe”.

“Wipeout” used to be the ultimate test for drummers of that era.

The song was in honor to surfers who got buried by a big breaking wave off the California coast and had nothing to do with toilet paper.

There’s a plaque my wife made for our guest bathroom.

It reads “Changing the toilet paper does NOT cause brain damage”.

In our two-person household, it’s not to difficult to figure out who is the slacker.