The Heir to Hair…

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster …

I harken back to showering after gym class in the mid 1960’s.

I was as tall then as I am today and at least 70 pounds lighter.

Being a freckled-faced “Opie” look-alike, I wondered if I might ever have a beard to shave or chest hair that anyone could see.

When you’re a teen of the 60’s, these things matter.

Turn ahead to today and I can tell you I currently have hair in places where I didn’t used to have places.

There are times, that as a youth, if I had as much hair on my chest then as I have sprouting from my ears now, I would have been delirious.

I longed to be careless and frivolous with that white gym shower towel. wrapped about me waist.

But the script of that movie has been changed. Studies reveal 95% of the typical human body is covered with hair.

As a pale, white youth in Mansfield, Ohio, I thought I’d be hairless…except for the top of my head for most of my life.

I should’ve known better.

After all, with the typical human head sporting anywhere between 100,000 and 150,000 hairs, we seem to end up with more than we started out with.

I needed patience.

The 2nd-fastest growing tissue in the body, after bone marrow, is hair.

So, it grows fast and and there’s a lot of it.

Now, we may lose 50 to 150 strands of hair each day.

And, you’re surprised to find a hair in your salad?

Now I wonder why more drains aren’t clogged.

Not all that long ago, I had to re-do the floor drain in our master shower.

When I disconnected the drain, I thought there must be at least one bald person hiding in the master bathroom after I dug out all that hair.

Plus, this wasn’t a drain fitting that hadn’t been installed since before running water.

Now, a single strand of hair has a lifespan of about 5 years.

It’s pretty strong stuff, too.

It can be stronger that a copper wire of the same diameter and can support 6.5 pounds of weight.

In theory, a typical head could handle 2 tons.. one strand of hair at a time.

Grey hair is called “cannities” and if you have split ends, the condition is known as “trichoptilosis”.

So what is the difference between a split end and a wide receiver?

Calling Coach Reich of the Colts!

When we get cold or frightened, we get “goosebumps” or “gooseflesh”.

That’s actually due to the muscles of each hair strand contracting.

Did someone say “dandruff”?

A major cause of flaky scalp is a fungus, known as “Malassezia globosa”.

(Didn’t I see him “The Godfather Part 12”?)

I read that the typical woman spends just short of 2 hours per week washing, drying and styling her hair.

Not this dude.

No fancy shampoos or cream rinses for these short locks.

Couple of minutes (Tops!) and I’m ready for the road.

Probably even less than my flat top days when I had to apply a little “butch wax” to keep those front-row follicles standing at attention.

If you want shoulder-length hair, it’s gonna take a 3 year time commitment while hair to the waist is roughly a seven year deal.

My hippie friends of the 60’s had to be committed to more than bell-bottoms and headbands to get the “Flower Child” look that was the rage.

When the rock musical “Hair” came out in the late 60’s, the clean-cut “Cowsills” had their biggest hit of the same name.

The “Partridge Family” was loosely-based on the band from Newport, Rhode Island.

Strange that a song about lots of hair would be a big tune for a family band that actually washed and cut theirs.

The “Hair” musical featured all sorts of anti-war, drug, anti-society themes, including nudity.

The late, great Groucho Marx said has was going to see the musical “Hair” so he called the theater and inquired about ticket prices. When they told him $11, he said he’d call back.

Groucho said “I went into my bathroom, took off all my clothes and looked at myself in the full-length mirror. Then I called the theater and said, “Forget it'”.

Still, “Hair” is a great song.

Time to sing along.

“I want it long, straight, curly, fuzzy

Snaggy, shaggy, ratsy, matsy

Oily, greasy, fleecy

Shining, gleaming, streaming

Flaxen, waxen.

Knotted, polka-dotted

Twisted, beaded, braided

Powdered, flowered and confettied

Bangled, tangled, spangled and spaghettied!

O, say can you see

My eyes, if you can

Then my hair’s too short.”

Now, our hair grows fastest when we’re young (between 15 and 30 years).

Another thing to keep in mind when you see one of these super models flipping her long, glorious locks, hair in the breeze, that’s mostly keratin which is the same stuff than makes up the hooves, tails and manes of the typical horse.

Even Mr. Ed.

Concerned about hair loss?

A 16th century doctor once thought a blend of boiled slugs, olive oil, homey, saffron, soap and cumin could restore lost hair.

Boiled slugs?

My Dad one told me kissing a cow’s butt was good for chapped lips.

When I asked if it cured them, he told me “No…but it keeps you from licking them”.

Wisdom of the ages.