Great Rants and Raves…

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster …

I come from a family that thinks everyone should watch Mel Brook’s “Blazing Saddles” because it is probably the most “non PC” movie ever made.

And that what makes it a must-see.

It exposes every stereotype and bias imaginable and shows the absurdity of it all.

I laugh at it because it’s amazing to me that some people actually hold those beliefs.

One of my favorite scenes is when Hedley LaMarr, played by Harvey Korman orders Sheriff Taggart (Slim Pickens ) to organize “rustlers, cut throats, murders, bounty hunters, desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs, nitwits, half-wits, dim wits, vipers, snipers, con men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits, muggers, buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglers, horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, a**-kickers, sh**-kickers and Methodists” to go after the new black sheriff, played by Clevon Little.

While the scene is not quite a “rave”, it is a pretty good “rant” to hear what Hedley Lamarr believes to be the most-despicable types of people to be found.

To conclude with “Methodists” is a truly brilliant ending by Mel Brooks.

Allow me to back-track just a bit and more clearly define what a “rant and rave” is.

“Talk loudly and angrily in an uncontrolled way; talk in a noisy, excited or declamatory manner; to utter in a bombastic, declamatory fashion.”

One of the best “rants” has to be Colonel Nathan Jessup, played by Jack Nicholson in “A Few Good Men”.

U.S. Navy JAG Corps Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise) pressures Colonel Jessup during court testimony with “I want the truth!”

Colonel Jessup fires back with “You can’t handle the truth!” and launches into a 200+ word rant that is the essence of the movie.

When Kaffee presses Colonel Jessup with, “Did you you order the Code Red?”, Jessup relies, “I did the job I…” and Kaffee interrupts him with “Did you order the Code Red?” and Colonel Jessup seals the case for Kaffee with his fiery response, “You’re God da** right I did!”

Powerful stuff.

The website “WatchMojo” lists it’s top ten movie rants and it includes Adam Sandler’s missed putt in “Happy Gilmore”, Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” and his “Christmas bonus” and Howard Beale in “Network” and his “We’re mad as hell!” tirade.

But, if truth be known, two of my favorite “rants” come from “M.A.S.H” and Captain Benjamin Franklin “Hawkeye” Pierce played by Alan Alda.

There was the scene in the mess tent serving line when Hawkeye found out they were serving liver and fish for the 11th straight day.

“I didn’t hear you say that. Because it isn’t possible. It’s inhuman to serve the same food day after day. The Geneva Convention prohibits the killing of our taste buds. I simply cannot eat the same foot every day. Fish! Liver! Day after day. I’ve eaten a river of liver and an ocean of fish. I’ve eaten so much fish, I’m ready to grow gills. I’ve eaten so much liver, I can only make love if I’m smothered in bacon and onions.”

But my favorite Hawkeye rant is when he’s told by Major Frank Burns that he’s required to carry a weapon when he’s “Officer of the Day.”

“I will not carry a gun. I’ll carry your books, I’ll carry a torch. I’ll carry a tune, I’ll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash and carry, carry me back to Old Virginia. I’ll even hari kari, if you show me how But I will not carry a gun!”

No doubt, you have a rant or two that comes to mind after hearing my thoughts.

As you ponder, remember, rants can also be great stalling tricks.

Bugs Bunny, in “Let’s Give Gossamer a Hairdo” suddenly shifts into hair dresser-mode when confronted by the large, red-haired, sneaker-wearing monster. named Gossamer.

“My stars! Where did you ever get that awful hairdo? It doesn’t become you at all. Here! For goodness sake! Let me fix it up. How stringy and messy it is! What a shame! Such an interesting monster, too. “Mon Stars! If an interesting monster can’t have an interesting hairdo, then I don’t know what things are coming to! In my business, you meet so many interesting people. (Bobby pins, please,) But the most interesting ones are the monsters. Oh dear! That will never stay. We’ll just have to have a permanament.”

Whereupon Bugs dashes off to a convenient storage area for 6 sticks of dynamite which he attaches to Gossamer’s head.

After lighting the fuses, Bug’s says, ” “So, I’ve got to give an interesting old lady a manicure but I’ll be back before you’re done.”

Boom!

Bugs 1, Gossamer the monster, 0.

Bugs escapes to face yet another challenge thanks to his little “rant”.