Johnny, Don’t Play With That!

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster

Ever since COVID, our personal medical care has become a bit more high tech and hands-on experience.

I was reminded of that when I got one of those personal “home treatment” colonoscopy kits in the mail.

I’ve had several standard colonoscopy exams over the years.

Not one of my favorite encounters.

However, the actual colonoscopy is a piece of cake for me.

It’s that preparation process the day before you have to go through that is the worst.

I understand that you need a relatively “clean highway” for the small tube, fitted with a light and camera to navigate, in search of polyps in the colon.

But that feeling when the initial ‘flush” takes place is a sensation I do not enjoy.

It’s that total feeling of “no control” that you have in the matter that I am not comfortable with.

Not that I’m a big fan of medical science entering my back door to see if I might have some cancerous polyps.

But, colorectal cancer is a problem.

It’s one of the leading causes of cancer deaths in America and many think it might be due to our diet.

I understand these home treatment kits can help us catch colorectal cancer early.

They’ve proven to be 90% effective in finding the disease early..

However, if the cancer has advanced, your odds drop to one in ten.

However, I also understand if the home test indicates an issue, you still have to undergo the traditional process.

Colon cancer usually affects older Americans and I’m a member of that club.

Once you turn 50, you should have a test for colon cancer that should be repeated every 10 years unless there are problems.

Over 60 years of age, it should be done about every 5 years or more often if you have polyps removed.

However, you can “age out” on colonoscopies after 75 or 80 if you’ve had no issues.

These stool-based home kits are supposed to reveal blood or DNA evidence of a problem.

But it requires you to get sort “up close and personal” with stuff you normally dispatch with a quick flush.

However, if you see me on the street someday, ask me about my Greenland experience in the USAF with my roommate from Pineville, Kentucky.

It wasn’t a home-treatment moment for colon cancer but it was a time when a quick flush had to wait.

I think my older daughter was the the first I knew who did one of these home tests.

Her hubby said all she had to do was poop in a box and send it to a lab.

I saw all sorts of postal nightmares with that scenario.

But my kit came with colorful, easy-to-read instructions.

Check.

Write.

Urinate and flush.

Prepare the “catcher”.

Take a dump.

Grab the collector and “dab” a sample.

Snap close the collector.

Flush away.

Drop off or mail the sample.

I’m hoping it’s not an envelope I have to lick to seal.

I know I’m making light of a proven test as a way to battle a deadly killer but the idea of scraping, wiping, or otherwise handling a “turd” is something that would have caused my parents to say, “Johnny, don’t play with that!”

More and more we do our medical “stuff” outside of the old method of making and appointment and seeing someone in a white smock.

COVID introduced us to “Zoom”, “Telehealth” and “Virtual appointments”.

But I’m old school.

I like to visit with someone that has a stethoscope around his-or-her neck.

Voltaire said, “The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease”.

So while I scrape and mail, I shall chuckle.