The CDC Gets an “F” for Marketing…

Johnny-on-the-Spot … by John Foster

The agency that brought us colorful graphs with frightening red spikes that resembled lightning bolts has dropped the ball.

The CDC and Uncle Sam have resorted to outright threats and, some might say, “blackmail” in the quest to get Americans to be vaccinated against the coronavirus.

I just don’t think they’ve tried hard enough.

You see, when I was a kid, we were told to get the “polio” vaccine.

Health officials dripped a dose of the Sabin solution on a sugar cube and we kids lined up en masse in the school gymnasium to get ours.

Think about it.

Tell kids to gobble down a sugar cube and you have nailed down the delivery system.

Okay, so this time we’re talking about a vaccination, otherwise known as a shot, which is touch a touch more painful that eating a sugar cube.

But instead of the “stick” CDC and Uncle Sam, why not try the “carrot” approach?

Back in the day, when someone wanted to “move product”, they’d hire some Madison Avenue ad agency to create a campaign to herd we sheep in the desired direction.

My first thought is painfully obvious.

What hasn’t anyone with the CDC thought about “Pumpkin Spice” vaccine?

This time of year, EVERYTHING seems to have a “pumpkin spice” version.

How did the CDC overlook this marketing ploy?

There’s another one that popped into my mind.

Chicken sandwiches.

Fast food restaurants have been tripping over each other trying to get you to buy their chicken breast sandwich with pickles on it.

Either put the serum in the breading or drop some of it on the pickles and hit the airwaves with the “Coronoavirus Chicken sandwich”.

You could bring back the brightly colored, fear-invoking graphs but these would reveal how millions of American are gobbling up the CDC sandwich when compared to the others.

It might make the Golden Arches shake.

It might be enough to make Colonel Sanders shave his beard.

Add fries and a drink and I think you have a meal that would cure what ails ya’.

Remember the toy craze of the 80’s, “Cabbage Patch dolls”?

Why not the CDC version of the “COVID Patch Kids”?

Instead of plunking down $25 like we did in the 80’s, give every newly-inoculated American one of these cute dolls for free.

No black market costs of up to $2,000 for one of these these “must-have” dolls.

How about a colorful selection of cute, colorful little face masks for these as an added attraction?

Those you could sell to COVID Patch Kid owners…once you have your very own COVID Patch Kid.

And, instead of “adoption papers”, each doll would come with its’ very own inoculation record that you must produce to be able to purchase those cute little masks.

Hey CDC, what’s wrong with borrowing from the 1996 toy craze that started in July of that year with 400,000 units at $28.99 each?

Offer coronavirus vaccine-getters today’s version of “Tickle Me Elmo”.

They went for upwards of $1,500 on the internet when they got sparse.

I think the CDC could move a lot of free vaccine if they offered one of these :”Inoculate Me, Dr. Anthony” dolls with each dose of serum.

I just have a hunch that a Seattle-based coffee company might be able to get in the game with a COVID-19 latte.

Perhaps “Frappucino Flu” might be hard too hard to swallow but the “Pumpkin Spice Wuhan Refresher” might be just the drink to keep those drive-through lanes stacked.

Get that free shot while you wait.

The cereal-makers could offer special coronavirus rub-on tattoos in their boxes.

Dig that little package out of the crumbs and sugar dust in the bottom of the box and once you rub it on, the serum is absorbed into your system.

It could be “CDC” in red, white and blue that would proudly proclaim to all that you “got it”.

The most obvious way to get COVID-19 vaccinations moving would be to partner with your local tattoo shop for that free, all-American coronavirus marking on the body part of your choice.

Why do I see a high demand for the “Skull and Crossbones” model?

So, CDC and Washington, D.C., take my advice and quit the saber-rattling.

Don’t threaten us.

Encourage us.

Apply to our innermost desires to get involved in the latest craze.

The shot is already free.

Take a few bucks from the proposed infrastructure bill and manufacture some “got to have” gimmick items like I’ve just suggested for unvaccinated Americans.

And, for Pete’s sake, manufacture those items in America!